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Paranoia is it's own reward.

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[Semi-Daily News and Commentary]
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What’s the French word for idiot?

Views of a die-hard gamer

The following interview took place between myself (J) and an unnamed gamer (D) and was conducted at the interviewee’s home. The interviewee has asked for his name and address to be withheld.

J - “Good morning. Let me take this opportunity to thank you on behalf of TAGOR for allowing us the time to put forward some questions. Now, I’d like to start-“

D - “Yeah, sorry I didn’t answer the door straight away. I was trying to finish level 5 of AOE.”

J - “That’s no problem.”

D - “It bloody is. I can’t seem to get enough production going before the Egyptians swarm all over my base and mess everything up. It’s driving me mad.”

J - “Fine, fine. Now, if we can begin?”

D - “Sure. Would you like a coffee first? Or tea?”

J - “I’m fine, thanks.”

D - “You sure? I haven’t got any food in. I tell you what, I’ll order a take-away.”

J - “There’s really no need.”

D - “Chinese? Pizza? I know, how about a curry?”

J - “I’ve just eaten thanks.”

D - “Well I’m starving. I was up all night practising Unreal Tournament. Those bots are real bastards you know!”

J - “Yes, it can be quite challenging on-“

D - “One of them looks like my uncle you know.”

J - “I’m sorry? Who looks-“

D - “One of the bots in Unreal Tournament. I forget his name. There’s so many of them.”

J - “What, bots?”

D - “No, uncles. I’ve got dozens of them. Was that a coffee you wanted?”

J - “Er, yes, that would be fine.”

D - “Did I tell you, I had the best score in the country at Manic Miner. It had 20 levels you know.”

J - “Ah, right. So you think to be a hard-core game-“

D - “Didn’t tell anybody mind you. Didn’t want any journalists asking me stupid questions about it. No offence of course.”

J - “None taken. So how long have you been playing computer games?”

D - “Since they were invented.”

J - “Really? That’s fascinating. How old are you exactly?”

D - “I’d rather not say.”

J - “Er, ok. Then tell me, what was the first computer game you played?”

D - “I can’t tell you.”

J - “Really? Why not?”

D - “It’s a secret.”

J - “A secret? Why is it a secret?”

D - “I can’t tell you.”

J - “Right, fair enough. Then tell me, what’s the first game you played that you can tell us about?”

D - “Can’t remember. I was very good at Space Invaders though, one of the best in fact.”

J - “Is that so? I suppose it would be too much to ask what your high score was? Just kidding.“

D - “Three hundred and ninety seven million, thirty five thousand and seventy one.”

J - “Right.”

(Slight pause)

D - “I hate Microsoft you know.”

J - “Oh?”

D - “Yeah. Bastards they are. I only use Windows. Office is really boring. I don’t mind Internet Explorer though. Apart from that, I never touch their stuff.”

J - “Very interesting. Now, what’s your opinion on 3D cards at the moment?”

D - “Do you take sugar?”

J - “Erm, no thanks. I was saying-“

D - “Milk?”

J - “Yes, that would be fine. Would you like to tell me your opinion on 3D cards and whether they improve modern games?”

D - “That’s milk, no sugar then?”

J - “Yes, that’s right. (Pause) Do you have an opinion on 3D cards at-“

D - “I’ve got a (incoherent mumble).”

J - “Sorry, I didn’t quite hear that. If you could just repeat-“

D - “I’VE GOT A POWER VR, OK?! HAPPY NOW?!”

J - “Look, I was only asking.”

D - “It’s actually a lot better than people think. They put loads of hidden features on it you see. Probably have to wait till DX8 before it’s used to it’s full potential.”

J - “Very interesting.”

D - “Yeah.”

J - “Tell me, recently, what game have you been playing the most?”

D - “Quake.”

J - “Ah yes, Quake III Arena is-“

D - “No, Quake, the first one. They’ve just re-released it on budget.”

J - “I see. You must be one of the few gamers out there who’ve never been bitten by the Quake bug. I suppose you finally wanted to see what all the fuss was about?”

D - “No, I picked up the wrong box. The lighting in the shop was really bad and my eyes were all messed up because I’d been up for 48 hours trying to complete level two of GTA.”

J - “Then what game had you intended to buy?”

D - “GTA2.”

J - “So you’re a fan of the GTA series then?”

D - “Yeah. I like the graphics.”

J - “Quite. What would you rate as the best game of all time then?”

D - (pauses to think) “You know that Half-life game?”

J - “Ah, yes. A lot of peoples choice for-“

D - “I hated that game! It didn’t have any monsters in it. I gave up after half-an-hour. All you ever saw were bloody scientists. Really boring. I prefer shooting monsters.”

J - (pause) “I think you’ll find that Half-life does have monsters in it.”

D - “Yeah? I never saw any, just frigging scientists. I suppose if you go into a bit further you get to see really big scientists but I couldn’t be bothered.”

J - “Hmm. Yes. So what would you rate as the best game ever?”

D - “Let me see…”

J - “Please, take your time.”

D - “I know!”

J - “I bet you do an’ all.”

D - “Myst! What a good-looking game that was! Haven’t had graphics that good ever since.”

J - (muttering) “Not with a PowerVR you wouldn’t.”

D - “What’s that?”

J - “I said, not with the rubbish about nowadays you wouldn’t.”

D - “Right. No, but Myst was great. Hard too. I like a challenge, know what I mean?”

J - “Believe me, I do. So you think a game should be challenging? Do you think we should get back to the days of high scores in games or do you feel we’ve moved beyond that and the modern gamer needs a more sophisticated challenge?”

D - “Well take Braveheart.”

J - “Ah yes.”

D - “Now that’s challenging. If you don’t get that right the whole game stops and you have to start all over again. Really tough.”

J - “But…I mean…that was a bug. It wasn’t supposed to do that.”

D - “Wasn’t it?”

J - “No. It was bug that came about because of the copy protection the publishers put on it.”

D - “A bug, eh? Never had a problem with them really. Except the Millenium bug.”

J - “That’s interesting, seeing as most systems were unaffected by it.”

D - “Yeah, well, I had it. Terrible it was. Couldn’t stop sneezing for days afterwards.”

J - (pause)

D - “Damn, I forgot the coffee. You don’t take sugar do you?”

J - “Four please.”

D - “Right. Four. There you are.”

J - “Thank you. Ok. Here we go. What change would you most like to see in the current games scene?”

D - “Smaller manuals.”

J - “Smaller manuals?”

D - “Yeah. I hate it when you have to read page after page of instructions just to play a game.”

J - “A valid point I suppose-“

D - “Especially when I can’t read German, French or Italian.”

J - “Eh?”

D - “Takes ages to get all that translated you know? And the stupid thing is it’s nearly all the same stuff anyway.”

J - “You…mean…?!”

D - “Luckily, there’s a language school just around the corner from here. Otherwise I don’t know what I’d do!”

J - “You’re an idiot, aren’t you?”

D - “What?”

J - “I said, you’re an idiot.”

D - “What, coz I can’t speak a load of different languages?”

J - “Listen, I’ve had quite enough of this. I’m going.”

D - “Hey, look, there’s no need to get upset. If I’d known you were from Europe I would have bought one of those linguaphone tapes.”

J - “I’m from London, England, and you’re still an idiot.”

D - “Listen, listen, don’t go just yet. I’ve got something here to show you. Your readers will love this.”

J - “This had better be good.”

D - “Oh, it’s fantastic. Unique you might say.”

J - “Really? Alright then. What is it?”

D - “Come and have a look at my PC.”

J - “If you insist.”

(A moment later)

D - “Impressive, huh?”

J - “Oh my God!”

D - “Thought you’d like it.”

J - “That’s not what I think it is, is it? Please say it’s not!”

D - “It is you know.”

J - “It’s a…..it’s a….”

D - “Yep.”

J - “AN OVERCLOCKED SOUNDBLASTER LIVE!!!

D - “That’s right. Not many of them in the world, let me tell you.”

J - “Right, here’s the deal - I’m going to kill you now.”

D - “Eh? Now, mister, don’t look at me like that! You’re scaring me now…”

Jazzer

Greenline.  Redlines are better.

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