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Let's build our own PC!
How Not To Build A Computer
All over the internet you'll see articles telling how to build a computer. Some are just basic instructions for any machine, others for a specific type. Sometimes the articles make perfect sense, and others make me want to run away in horror. This is one of the latter.
Motherboards
Some people like to call this a mainboard. These people have no mothers and can't say the word mother, mom, or mommy without breaking out into hysterics and taking some Prozac. The motherboard should be one of your last purchases when normally building a system, but since I'm giving bad advice: get this first. If you can, go to a wholesale store to purchase your motherboard. Usually they have a bunch of used ones stacked in a box. They have been tossed in this box with all the care of throwing away the 12th beer bottle from the 2nd 12-pack on a Friday night. They have broken plastic pieces and bent pins, but don't worry. Computer equipment isn't half as fragile as some people think. The important thing is that they are cheap. Pick one with the most broken bits and bent pins because it will be the cheapest. If you can't find such a board, improvise when no one is looking. Most people don't use all those slots anyways. Most importantly do not get one with a manual. Those things can protect vital parts you don't need, and cost more.
If you can't find a wholesale store local you'll be missing out on a lot of fun, but if you must, and only if you must, shop online. There are three major wrong ways to shop online. First find your feminine side and randomly pick a motherboard based on color or how its shape will accent a purse or shoes. Secondly, just buy the cheapest one you can find. Next visit a lot of websites find one with the most 3 letter acronyms (AGP, ATX, ATF, etc.) and multiply this by the number beside the acronyms. An example would be 5 PCI slots, so instead of just getting 1 point for PCI it would get 5. When you've found the board that has the most points, you've probably found a damn good motherboard, so then ignore your findings and use the second option.
"Lots of things to break!"
Processor
Avoid what is known as Slot processors. They are usually very hard to damage due to their casing and lack of bendable pins. Pick a socket type processor, you can bend the pins and save some more money. They have a whole lot of them (pins) so don't worry if you break any off.
(processors picture - "Left - Slot 1 hard to break. Right - Socket easy to damage.")
Cooling
Overclocking and alternative cooling methods are getting increasingly popular in the build your own computer crowd. Should you overclock? In a normal situation the answer would depend on a lot of factors. In this situation I say yes. Without a doubt, and make sure it is a big number. If you have the money make sure you get a big fan and heat sink, the bigger the better, if you have to modify the motherboard, case, or processor remember it is for the cooling of the processor. If you can't afford a big fan, try liquid cooling. I'd suggest a nice cold bottle of Amber Bock, open or closed, upside down or right side up. If those options seem unsatisfactory try ice cubes directly on the processor, but remember to change them regularly, and avoid direct contact with the liquid if you see sparks.
  
  
Memory
8 megabytes isn't enough memory to do anything, so get 8 megabytes.
Hard drive
You'll probably need one. Remove the hard drive from any packaging it is in. Then put on a wool sweater and matching socks. Drag your feet up and down a carpeted hall way then go touch the hard drive, do this for a few hours or until you electrocute yourself. Another option for those of you who own cats is to just to rub the hard drive against the cat. Your cat will like the attention. If that seems like too much work or you don't have a cat, simply throw the hard drive into a clothes dryer with a few sweaters, this will provide the same results with less work.
 
CD-ROM
Most software only needs a 4x drive. I'd suggest getting one of those but they are getting increasingly harder to find. So instead I've got a 12x from hell I'd be willing to contribute, it is such a terrible drive that it can't even play some audio CDs. Fuse! might also be willing to donate a certain 32x drive of a similar nature if you asked. I would say buy the most generic drive you can, but Fuse!'s is a big name brand drive and it isn't worthy of an AOL CD (Not that it would be able to read it anyway - ED). Typically you have better chances of getting crap with a generic drive.
Floppy Drive
Sadly this obsolete device still has to populate most computers. It is a hindrance to the system, it hogs an IRQ, and it never, ever gets used. Buy two so you have both an A and B drive. (Don't buy any floppy disks. You won't be needing them. -ED)
Video Card
Get something that says Voodoo on it. Even though nVidia has take over the graphics world most idiots haven't taken notice and almost anyone who loves to give advice about computers but doesn't have a clue about them will say "I've heard those Voodoo cards are good, I need one of them." I'm not sure what causes it, seems these inbred idiots can remember the words Voodoo before their own name, and most of them couldn't spot 3D graphics if they were in a level of Shogo-MAD.
"Buy just about anything that has Voodoo written on it somewhere."
As a side note, in some cases a Voodoo card still is the best choice, if you feel that this might be true for your configuration then don't hesitate to get something else. A good example of this would be an AMD K6-2 & III series processor, it still works best with a Voodoo card beside it, and I suggest getting something based off the Intel i740 chipset if you can still find it.
Soundcard
Soundcards have gotten a ton of new features lately, 5.1 Dolby speaker support, 3D sound, multi-wave out. Ignore it. Get a Soundblaster card, an old one. No matter how advanced these new cards get they still say "Soundblaster Compatible" which tells us one thing… All you'll ever need is a Soundblaster card.
Case
Do computers really need cases? The only purpose they seem to have is to contain everything neatly into one package with a power supply. It might add some bit of protection, but I doubt this conglomeration of parts would require any protection. Get a power supply, something big is always nice, but who needs 300-watts? I'm sure you can pick up a 125-watt power supply fairly cheap. If you can't find one for a good price, try a car battery, and make your system mobile.
Joystick/Game pad
Find the one that has the most features and the most buttons. You want 17+ buttons, you want a hat switch, you want a throttle, and a digital stick, force feedback is a must as well. Now once you've purchased this item which now probably costs more than low end processors but still less than a high end analog modem (I'll never figure that one out.) take this device and throw it in the trash. Disposing of this item will prevent you from the sheer annoyance of attempting to use it on your PC. Even if you could find a game that could use all the buttons then the game would either be crap and/or completely unplayable with the way the program forces the joystick to be used. More often the programs will use some of the features leaving half of this new toy unused. It is said that most people like to use the mouse for playing games on the PC, this has nothing to do with the ability of the mouse, but has everything to do with the face that no one can program for a game pad or a joystick.
Input & Output
Computers need more things than this, a mouse, keyboard, and a monitor would be useful items to have but with this configuration they will probably never get used.
Some Assembly Required
Computer parts are similar to a puzzle, most pieces only fit one way into one place. Forcing a Slot 1 processor into an ISA slot is pretty much impossible without modification. So assembly is fairly easy and really can't be messed up too much. Just remember, if it doesn't fit, force it.
A Celeron in an ISA slot!
Configuration
If the motherboard has jumpers take them all off, and put them all back on randomly. If you have any extra toss them into the carpet in the hallway, you'll only be able to find them by stepping on them into the middle of the night, and once you turn the light on they will hide. Such is the wild ways of the jumper loose in its natural habitat of carpet. If the motherboard has no jumpers pull out the BIOS chip (It will be the one in a socket that isn't the processor) and put it in backwards, or not at all. Now the computer, if you want to call it that, is properly configured for not running.
The Smell of Ozone
The moment of truth has arrived; if you've been following this carefully make sure you have a fire extinguisher handy. Safety goggles and insulated gloves might help, and try to keep the computer away from anything flammable. If the system actually runs without sparking, smoking, or spontaneously combusting then you've probably done something wrong. Take everything apart and try again. If you smell the electrical smell of ozone, then you've done well, you now know how not to build a computer.
 
This article was written for those annoying dolts that still get on forums and the newsgroups and ask moronic questions like why their AMD Athlon 750 won't boot up in their Abit LX6 motherboards, to those idiots: Please buy and OEM system. Compaq needs the business.
Most Probably,
Noxious?
Noxious? did this so you wouldn't have to. Special thanks to Compaq for some very helpful pointers on installing an Operating System and choosing the right hardware. Without their help this system may have worked. Further Acknowledgements to Microsoft, for an Operating System that invites system failure. Likewise, a tip of the hat to the following companies. S3 for terrible drivers. AMD for unstable processors. Creative Labs for CD-ROM and DVD drives that are not only ugly but disfunctional. Final Farewells to all of the companies who made good hardware but went bankrupt (Amiga). Good riddance to the companies that made shit hardware and are thankfully gone (Packard Bell). Can I get a "Fuck You" to the companies who make shit and are still around? (Too many to list) - Fuse!
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